As my time is nearing to an end here, I think about China and how I've changed. It's not that my personality has changed, but I think my perception on things and how much easier it can be to live life without all the extra clutter has definitely transformed since my arrival.
However, it's not all meaningful and serious. Some of these changes are hilarious to me as I think about how I can't bring back some of this culture home... for the benefit of everyone's sake.
My friend and I stumbled across a list of "You know when you've been in China too long when..." examples on the internet and I thought I would share some that really hit close to home. I hope you enjoy.
- You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated DVDs
- A June 2001 Great Wall Cabernet (mixed with Sprite) is your vintage of choice
- Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.
- You find yourself "getting back to nature" in a park that contains nothing but concrete and a giant revolutionary statue.
- All white people look the same to you.
- Open spaces make you feel like something must be wrong
- Other foreigners seem foreign to you.
- You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).
- You think that the heavy air pollution actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy (so true)
- You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.
- You can't put a proper sentence together in your native language.
- It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window. (I'm not going to say this hasn't happened)
- Thanks to karaoke, you know who has the most singing talent in your building.
- You believe that pressing the elevator button 63 times will make it move faster.
- You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown.
- You are not surprised to see 85-year old ladies pushing tons of garbage up the streets of the financial district.
- You use the word "Ayyiieeaaahh" every few sentences to convey surprise, pleasure, pain or anger.
- You believe you are really tall when you are only 5'8".
- You finally decide to eat at McDonalds to put some solids into your body.
- You watch an American movie on HBO, with sub-titles, and try to read them.
- You eat a kebab on the street and call it "Rat on a stick" and keep eating. (word-for-word this has happened)
- You believe that the cure for all ailments is to drink more water.
- You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off.
- Your buddy taps you on the shoulder to talk to you, and you say "Bu Yao" (don't want!) out of habit.
- You always leave your tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks and McDonald's because you insist that is the way to keep everyone employed
- You take large sum of cash whenever you go to the hospital
- You are no longer flinching every few seconds in a Taxi ride.
- You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on a restaurant floor.
- You start reaching for a piece of fish with your chop sticks and don't even notice the fish looking back at you.
- Walking across the street, against the light, and in and out of traffic is a piece of cake.
- You think it's okay that your girlfriend has a chinese boyfriend too, cause she doesn't like him.
- You relish the thought of Pizza Hut, but only go on special occasions.
- When refusing someone something they expected or counted on you just say "Sorry" (buhaoyisi) with no explanation whatsoever.
- When you take a cab, you give play-by-play driving directions to the driver
- You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut
- You eat three regular meals a day: lunch, dinner and night snacks
- When you go to the toilet you start bringing your own toilet paper (so true)
- You can pick up any type of food using just your chopsticks... even peanuts.
- You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
- It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
- You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
- A T-Bone steak with rice sounds just fine.
- You regard traffic signals, stop signs, and counterfeit watch peddlers with equal disdain.
- You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
- You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different. (can't count the times this has happened)
- You would rather text someone than actually meet to talk 'face to face'.
- You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk (pedestrians are fair game on the sidewalks)
- You regularly fumble for five minutes to find 10 jiao despite 10 people waiting in line behind you.
- You start to describe delusional thoughts and fantasies as "healthy passions."
- You get your first case of bronchitus and you have never smoked a cigarette in your life.
- You forget that the other person needs to finish speaking before you can start.
- You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for.
- When having conversations with your friends you start leaving unnecessary words or letters out of sentences and end up talking like an imbecile
- In the rain, you spot a vacant taxi which is 10 minutes away and you have already planned how you are going to jump out with great enthusiasm in the road, elbow everyone else trying to claim it, and wave your hands everywhere in a 'look at me I'm a goal keeper' kind of fashion (definitely happened)
- You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them
- You see people outside wearing shower caps in the rain, and instead of thinking what a freak, you actually understand the practicality behind it. The same with clipping pegs on your trousers when riding a bike
- Your eating manners in restaurants are now totally shot. Elbows on tables and spitting food out onto your plate is now seen as being dead classy. (definitely true)
- You start picking at other people's dinner plates before they even offer you a taste. (this might become a problem back in the States)
- It seems entirely sensible to take a cab across town for 12 yuan in each direction to buy something that costs 4 yuan, that they sell right outside your house anyway.
- Chinese fashion starts looking hip.
- The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.
- You ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them.
- You speak putonghua better than the locals.
- When looking out the window, you think "Wow, so many trees!" instead of "Wow, so much concrete!"
- You stop enjoying telling newcomers to China "all about China".
- You think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?"
- Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why. (we're all worried for this when we go back to the States)
- You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more. (I laugh because it's so true)
- Looking at a dog makes you hungry. (sorry, mom)
- Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back.
- People who haven't seen you for months don't ask where you've been.
- It becomes a tradition that at least part of Christmas dinner is stir-fried.
- Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.
- It has been at least 18 months since you used the word "tacky" to describe anything.
- You start expecting the rice at the end of a meal (I still don't understand why it works that way)
- You can make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.
- You think of "salad" as diced apples in mayonnaise.
- You don't recognize a bowl of chicken soup unless there are feet and a head in it.
- You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
- You have a purse and you are male.
- You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills.
- You cannot say "Call me." without making a pretend phone with your fingers and sticking to your ear.
- You think your nose IS kind of big.
- Grown men and women often say hello to you, and when you reply they run away giggling.
- You start enjoying the taste of the "meat flavour beancurd" Lays Chips.
- You see nothing wrong with standing on a white stripe in the middle of a highway while cars whiz past you at 90kph.
- You don't blink an eye when a complete stranger wants to take a photo of you with his family.
- You eat soup with chopsticks. (I definitely do this)
- You use Kleenex for table napkins.
- You drink warm sodas and find them refreshing.
- You can't find face lotion or cleanser that does not bleach your skin white....
- You have ten different responses to the question, "Do you like China?"
- You're looking forward to blending in with the crowd.
- You point out foreigners to your Chinese friends even though you're foreign yourself.
- You know words in Chinese for which you don't know the translation in English.
- You eat cake with chopsticks.
- You answer 'So is mine.' when people say their English is so poor.
- You answer 'Into what?' when people say China is developing.
- You convince yourself that it doesn't matter how dirty the cooks' hands are or how long the raw meat has been sitting out, cooking will fix it. (I can't express how many times a day I think this)
- You start saying 'play computer' 'I very like' and other assorted chinglish.
- Everyone wants to be your friend - all you have to do is teach them English for free.
- Everyone wants to teach you Chinese by speaking to you in English.
- Groups of people find it fascinating to watch you buy an orange at a fruit market. Commentary is provided in case some people don't know exactly what's going on.
- You have no qualms that someone who thinks you're stupid and gullible has total control over your life.
- Only five minutes of prep time for an unannounced class no longer fazes you.
- At English Corner (aka English Speaker Cornered) a person asks you how to "improve my oral English" and when you tell them the only way is to continually practice they walk away dejected and sad. (Hahaha!)
- You begin to question your own pronunciation.
- You can use "face" as a weapon.
- You find that everything you owned that was once white is now permnantly yellow
- You begin to like it when the waitress denies you what you want and tells you what you really want
- You start to think that raw hanging meats look delicious
- You don't care when people call you ugly and a bad student
- Shop owners start learning English for you
- When parents holding their peeing babies over trashcans doesn't faze you anymore
- When you realize everyone in your phone is named something like Mall Girl 1, Mall Girl 2, Mall Girl 3, B-Day Boy, Person that cut my hair, etc.
- You find yourself comparing pollution to a blanket
- Your favorite China band only knows how to play "Yellow" by Coldplay
- You break out into song and dance in public places and don't even care
- When people you've never seen before come up to you and show you that they have your number in their phone
- Your only reaction is "duoshaoqian?" (How much does this cost) when the shopkeeper pulls a knife out on someone
- When you go to the clubs at 8 or 9 just so you can catch the bus there and not have to pay the extra money for a cab to go later
- When buying fabric softener becomes and all day event and you go to bed still not having any
- Your answer to every question or statement becomes "keyi"
- When you think its funny that people put turtles or hamsters in plastic bags after they buy them
- When soup replaces drinks during meals
- When your idea of ironing is leaving something on a hanger for months
Hairdressers really move this fast.
